Recently I suffered a major loss in trust from someone I deeply care
about and a minor frustration at the loss of trust in an acquaintance. The
first was much more traumatic, but it was the second one that has really got me
thinking differently. Both instances exposed my kids to harm. I stay at home
with my kids and only really go out when my husband is home or when we have a
babysitter (even then the kids are usually asleep most of the time) so this
violation is new to me. I don’t feel I have the freedom to forgive and forget
the offense as the Savior does and as I otherwise try to do; I still need to
protect my family and can’t let them be exposed by allowing this person to
potentially repeat the offense.
So how do I go about forgiving someone and trusting him or her again?
How much is on me? I can’t go on through life with this knot of anger and hurt.
I don’t want that and I know God does not approve of it. Surely I can forgive
even when that person hasn’t even begun to address the issue with me, but if I
can’t trust that person have I truly forgiven? The Savior forgives and forgets
in full when we complete the repentance process; how can I do the same for
someone else and not put my guard down?
So I’ve been grappling with this for a few months on different levels
until today I had a thought: maybe I can only trust people to be who they truly
are. Maybe I want them to be something they aren’t and so it is my expectations
that are being disappointed not a trust violated. If I trust someone to do or be
someone they aren’t whose fault is that? Mine; that’s not trust, that’s
believing is something that doesn’t exist. So, maybe I should focus on knowing
how people will react in different situations so there aren’t any surprises.
Sure, that’s not always possible and people do disappoint us in ways that surprise
us all the time. But if it’s my perception that can change, my view of that
person, then I can know how they will act and I can trust them to act like themselves rather that how I would. I
guess my main idea here is that I can “trust” anyone I really know, even if I
know they will act awful or selfish. Trust doesn’t equal doing what I think
they should be doing.
I like this way of thinking about things because it gives me my power
back; I’m not a victim, I don’t have to wait for these people to “earn” my
trust back. It’s all on me to evaluate and move forward. This may result in
significant changes in the people I entrust my kids too, but that’s my job. So
in the end, I can still work towards forgiving and a fuller understanding of
these people. No more waiting for them to rise to the bar I had originally
envisioned for them.
That’s where I’m at for the time being. I feel like the Lord is guiding me on my understanding of this topic and I am so grateful for that. That second violation seems to be the catalyst I needed to begin understanding these principles. For that I am grateful as well.
In the mean time here are some pictures of my adorable family who obviously deserve the best :)
Until next time,
Alyssa
