Forgivness and Trust

Recently I suffered a major loss in trust from someone I deeply care about and a minor frustration at the loss of trust in an acquaintance. The first was much more traumatic, but it was the second one that has really got me thinking differently. Both instances exposed my kids to harm. I stay at home with my kids and only really go out when my husband is home or when we have a babysitter (even then the kids are usually asleep most of the time) so this violation is new to me. I don’t feel I have the freedom to forgive and forget the offense as the Savior does and as I otherwise try to do; I still need to protect my family and can’t let them be exposed by allowing this person to potentially repeat the offense.

So how do I go about forgiving someone and trusting him or her again? How much is on me? I can’t go on through life with this knot of anger and hurt. I don’t want that and I know God does not approve of it. Surely I can forgive even when that person hasn’t even begun to address the issue with me, but if I can’t trust that person have I truly forgiven? The Savior forgives and forgets in full when we complete the repentance process; how can I do the same for someone else and not put my guard down?

So I’ve been grappling with this for a few months on different levels until today I had a thought: maybe I can only trust people to be who they truly are. Maybe I want them to be something they aren’t and so it is my expectations that are being disappointed not a trust violated. If I trust someone to do or be someone they aren’t whose fault is that? Mine; that’s not trust, that’s believing is something that doesn’t exist. So, maybe I should focus on knowing how people will react in different situations so there aren’t any surprises. Sure, that’s not always possible and people do disappoint us in ways that surprise us all the time. But if it’s my perception that can change, my view of that person, then I can know how they will act and I can trust them to act like themselves rather that how I would. I guess my main idea here is that I can “trust” anyone I really know, even if I know they will act awful or selfish. Trust doesn’t equal doing what I think they should be doing.

I like this way of thinking about things because it gives me my power back; I’m not a victim, I don’t have to wait for these people to “earn” my trust back. It’s all on me to evaluate and move forward. This may result in significant changes in the people I entrust my kids too, but that’s my job. So in the end, I can still work towards forgiving and a fuller understanding of these people. No more waiting for them to rise to the bar I had originally envisioned for them.

That’s where I’m at for the time being. I feel like the Lord is guiding me on my understanding of this topic and I am so grateful for that. That second violation seems to be the catalyst I needed to begin understanding these principles. For that I am grateful as well.

In the mean time here are some pictures of my adorable family who obviously deserve the best :)

Until next time,

Alyssa

5am Feeding

Here is a little peice of the beauty I get to enjoy each morning. Its a work in progress.

5am Feeding

I sit supporting your little warm body

lots of short, thick hair just under my chin,

little eyes closed in focus,

mouth sucking hard

swallowing rhythmically.

Your little hand pets the top of mine

traveling up and down my arm, comforting me.

You hands, featherlike in softness and delicacy,

stockier than Sister’s starfish fingers,

are wide and strong and ready for…

what?

They are not cubby hands. They are distinctly male.

The strength and grace in which your left hand moves along my arm

is beautiful.

When not eating you usually suck this left thumb.

And yet while your mouth is busy,

you’ve chosen to run the comforting hand along me.

Is it a sign of love?

Are you bestowing on me your greatest gift: your comfort?

Or are you absorbing my love,

my smell,

gathering it up in that little fist to enjoy for the next hour

until the sun wakes you up?

 I can’t get enough of that little hand moving steadily from mid arm to the top of my own.

It feels like silk.

And still your eyes are closed in appreciation of this good milk,

warm and thick the way you like.

Once you finish and turn into me,

the stroking is over.

You draw your left hand into yourself and attach.

The right hand comes in too,

but grabs all the extra fabric of your onesie shirt

securing you in this delightfully snug package of loves and baby.

I cradle you close to me and breathe in your smell.

You always finish before I’ve gotten all the snuggles I want.

Then I lift you into your crib

letting you slowly roll out of my arms,

your feet and legs raised to more efficiently complete the immediate roll to your side, where

you sleep left arm plugged in and tucked under,

right hand fully of cotton,

feet and legs perpendicular but relaxed now.

The sweetest 'L" shaped body I've ever seen. 

Thank you for being my baby.

New Job with the Toy Man News and Reviews

Hello, World!

I am excited to announce that I have started working for The Toy Man News and Reviews on their advisory and editorial staff!

The Toy Man News and Reviews website is dedicated to setting an international standard of safety for all baby and child products. The site provides in depth reviews on products from experts in the field and real life mommies like me.

My job is to test each product with my family and write my review of the product for the company's website. So far I have done three reviews and have loved the products. Here is a link to my bio page.

In addition to writing reviews I also take pictures of the items in action. Max and Ellie are such great little models! We are stating to build their portfolios :) Here are a few pictures of us "working."

Loves tummy time now!

Sibling playtime

He loves to jump in here

Does life get any better? Love my new job and the difference it will make in the world.

Next time you go to buy a product, look it up on our website or look for the Toy Man Seal of Approval!

Love,

Alyssa

P.S. Who do you go about researching your child's toys, clothes, baby things etc.? Anything in particular you'd like to see in my reviews?

My Thoughts on Homosexuality and Marriage

I have been reposting lots of "pro"gay stuff on facebook recently in an effort to show others that they can be a faithful Mormon/Christian/etc. without being uncomfortable around gay people. I am afraid that in my haste to share others’ beautiful words of peace and love my stance on the issue of gay marriage maybe in question. In order to clear that up, I am writing here today.

First, here are the underlying beliefs that have shaped my thoughts:

1.     Having homosexual feelings is not a sin; it is not something that can be controlled and therefore cannot be condemned.

2.     We all have the ability to choose our actions and what we do with the feelings we can’t avoid feeling.

3.     We are all held accountable to God for living a chaste life. That means having sexual relations only inside a marriage sanctioned by God.

4.     God has not sanctioned same-gender marriages.

I believe that my church is lead by a prophet of God that will not lead me astray. Since he has declared time and time again that only a man and woman can be lawfully wed in God’s eyes, I believe him. Therefore I don't support gay marriage.

BUT.

I have no logical or emotional way to defend that move. I can only support measures like Prop 8 on pure faith. If it were up to me I cannot see a way to deny homosexuals the right to marry that won't be denying human rights. In my mind we shouldn't deny them equal opportunity. Even beyond that, it's their choice to get married so I think it's their agency we are denying. As far as the other secondary ramifications for schools, adoptions, churches etc, I see those as all possible, but so removed from the issue that the true ramifications cannot be known.

BUT.  I hear about studies like this, and I grow concerned.

“Most of the children born to unmarried mothers—58 percent—were born to couples who were cohabitating. Whatever we may say about these couples’ forgoing marriage, studies show that their children suffer significant comparative disadvantages. For children, the relative stability of marriage matters.

We should assume the same disadvantages for children raised by couples of the same gender. The social science literature is controversial and politically charged on the long-term effect of this on children, principally because, as a New York Times writer observed, ‘same-sex marriage is a social experiment, and like most experiments it will take time to understand its consequences.’” (Elder Oaks October 2012 conference http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/protect-the-children?lang=eng)

Unfortunately the “experiment” is happening seemingly at the expense of these children. I feel incapable of helping those kids. At what point do we step in? There are numerous studies that say that various kinds of families are not ideal or are disadvantageous. At what point to we prevent those people from having kids? Do we take children away from poor, single moms? Do we rely on child services to discover cases that breach the line of unacceptability? I don’t know what to do, and I can't find a way to define what is an acceptable amount of instability for a child. I am very concerned about this aspect of the gay issue, but what to do? Still working that one out.

I don’t want my kids overly exposed to homosexuality either. I don’t want them to feel that they must experiment and “discover” their sexuality that way. Randy and I have both talked about how the media and society have altered our ability to discuss and expect sex in an appropriate way. I expect this issue to do similar things for our kids and that is scary; I don’t know how to help them navigate this one.

I know that people are worried about what will be taught in schools. I don’t think it’s the What that’s worrisome, I think it’s the How. We can't delete the gay rights acts from our history. It would be wrong and it would be a lie. I don’t think we need a gay pride history month, or to expose young children to the topic (simply because matters of sexuality are inappropriate at a young age), but I think that at the appropriate time and place that part of the world can be shared with our kids in a healthy way that doesn’t promote homosexuality. I don’t think there is a way to not allow it to become mainstream; it just is.

What I know I cannot stand is homophobia and hypocrisy. My understanding of homosexuality is that ACTING on those feelings is breaking the law of chastity by engaging in sex outside of a God sanctioned marriage. So a gay couple is sinning as much as a heterosexual couple living in sin. I can’t stand it when someone avoids a hairdresser who is gay, but is still fine hanging with unmarried sexually active couples. Such hypocrisy. I see the social stigma associated with gays as the only basis for the hypocrisy in similar scenarios. What we should be doing is standing for our values on all fronts, whether they are social norms or not. (P.S. standing for our values does not equal disassociation or persecution. I follow Jesus, right? He wasn’t exactly avoiding anyone based on their sins.)

 I love Momastry’s recent article I reposted because I do think Christians can take better stances on other issues. Marriage of course is an essential building block for everything- families, society, exaltation, etc- but I wish we could all get as angry about child sex trafficking, massacres in Africa, and other causes that are more world wide issues of suffering and evil. I hope we can fight for all instable home and children. Maybe we should focus on bolstering all aspect of marriage and family rather than just this one?

I really have a hard time with this issue of gay marriage. I am so confused. I fully expect my perspective on this issue to be every evolving and growing, so I welcome comments, questions and concerns I may not have thought about. I don’t pretend to know exactly the right thing to do, but the one thing I can always rely on is God, so I default to Him. In the end I take a deep breath and repeat to myself “God’s ways are not my ways. God’s ways are not my ways” and I pray. I may not be able to logically explain every commandment or feeling I have, but God has an eternal view and I have but a pinprick to peer out from. In the end God will show us everything and His ways will make sense.