My sweet little family, an updated photo :)

Thanks to Kristina Takahashi Photography!

Spiritual Self-reliance and Maintenance: How to Respond to a Serious Gosple Concern

The church handbook amendment, subsequent backlash, and series of clarifications have left me exhausted this week. The events in Paris have been scary, especially as Randy was traveling at the time. I’ve had a lot of time to think about where I stand on church issues and where I stand with God. What has been more of a grey area for me is how to proceed appropriately. I was asked to give a talk this Sunday and eventually settled on the topic of spiritual self-reliance. I want to share the thoughts and resources that I have found that have helped me navigate my path forward. I hope these ideas and quotes will benefit others who may also be at a loss as to how to proceed with heartache and concerns. I have italicized the quotes from other resources so they can be quickly located.

I chose the topic of spiritual self-reliance because before we can help anyone really, we need to know where we stand with God. Sometimes in my effort to spread the beautiful words of the gospel, I find myself giving a canned testimony. There are times were I even wonder if I truly feel the words I speak. I know I have felt them at some point, but I haven’t recently done enough of a personal inventory to really give a true testimony – that it to testify of the gospel truths I know and feel rather than educate others about them. This topic reminds me that my spirituality is my responsibility and that I must maintain my relationship with God and Christ closely so that I know where I stand at all times. Sometimes deeply evaluating how we feel about the gospel, the church, policies, programs, etc. can be uncomfortable. We don’t always feel super excited about every new change, policy or past programs, policies, leaders etc. Taking inventory of our strengths and concerns in the gospel can mean admitting that there are areas where we lack faith testimony, or even feel strongly against something within the church or gospel. But again, this is our job to maintain our spirituality and do something constructive with those concerns. Faith is an action.

If we choose to do nothing about these darker areas of our testimonies we are not acting in faith, we are even acting unfaithfully in our neglect. Sister Carole M. Stephens of the general Relief Society presidency said “This is exactly where the adversary would like us to stay—so disabled by fear that we are unable to act or refuse to act. But faith is a principle of action.” This process of spiritual self-reliance and maintenance is a personal one, and not to be taken lightly. We all have areas in which we can improve and concerns to address; admitting them to ourselves can be scary. Working on our concerns might sound lonely, but really it is a journey we take along side our father in Heaven and our Savior.

The Saturday Morning of General conference last month started off with Elder Uchtdorf’s talk entitled “It Works Wonderfully.” Now this talk is a scary one. He asked us to ponder these questions:

·      “Does my life have meaning?”

·      “Do I believe in God?”

·      “Do I believe that God knows and loves me?”

·      “Do I believe that God hears and answers my prayers?”

·      “Am I truly happy?”

·      “Are my efforts leading me to the highest spiritual goals and values in life?”

·      And for me, the most startling question: “Is my experience in the Church working for me? Is it bringing me closer to Christ? Is it blessing me and my family with peace and joy as promised in the gospel?”

These questions startled and scared me because it implies that there are more answers than just “yes.” I immediately thought, what if I DON’T feel like this church is meeting my needs? What do I do if I have a serious concern, problem, or flaw in my relationship with Christ? What if I’ve been ignoring it and am becoming numb and distant in the process? These questions dig up these quiet thoughts we have that could lead us away from the gospel we love. So what do we do with these concerns?

First, Doubt your doubts before your faith. Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asked: “How do you remain ‘steadfast and immovable’ during a trial of faith? You immerse yourself in the very things that helped build your core of faith: you exercise faith in Christ, you pray, you ponder the scriptures, you repent, you keep the commandments, and you serve others. When faced with a trial of faith—whatever you do, don’t step away from the Church! Distancing yourself from the kingdom of God during a trial of faith is like leaving the safety of a secure storm cellar just as the tornado comes into view.”

Sometimes when I am met with a concern of faith, the problem I’m facing seems so big that there is little room for faith in anything related to the topic. However, every time I step back and look at the barebones of my testimony, I find that my faith in my Savior, love of Heavenly Father, and testimony of the prophets far out weighs the singular concern I have. I’ve found that if I stick to what I know is true, continue to patiently seek answers through prayer, and scripture study all will be made right.

Second, recognize that you have the power to choose whether you let your concern become a doubt or a question. Elder Andersen also taught “faith … is a decision.”³

 There was a wonderful article written by Adam Kotter in the March 2015 Ensign entitled “When Doubts and Questions Arise.” He reminds us that questions are good and bring us closer to God when pursued God’s way; doubt on the other hand does not come from God. He asks “What, then, is the difference between a question and a doubt? Questions, when asked with a sincere desire to increase one’s understanding and faith, are to be encouraged. Many ancient and modern revelations have come as the result of a sincere question. The scriptural injunction to seek and to ask in order to find is among the most frequently repeated. Sincere questions are those asked with the ‘real intent’ (Moroni 10:4) to better understand and more fully obey the will of the Lord. A sincere questioner continues to be obedient while searching for answers. By contrast, I have seen that when people doubt their beliefs, they often suspend their commitment to commandments and covenants while waiting for answers. The doubter’s posture is generally to withhold obedience or limit it, pending resolution of the doubts. The power of doubt to destroy faith, hope, and even family is diminished the minute one sincerely says, ‘I will do the things the Lord has commanded, whether my questions are resolved quickly or ever, because I have covenanted to do so.’ The difference between a faithful ‘I will keep the commandments because …’ and a doubtful ‘I will keep the commandments if …’ is of powerful and eternal import.”

Frequently the concerns I have are a result to a gut reaction I feel at the discovery of my concern. I feel hurt, confused, even angry maybe. That’s okay; it’s normal. Maybe more natural man than Godly being, but its okay to have an initial response. Its what we do afterwards that determines how weak this will make us. To illustrate a similar power we hold, I want to talk about choosing to take offense - we may feel initially hurt and betrayed by the mean things someone may say to us, and we can choose to become offended, lash out, etc. or we can choose to simply not be offended. Similarly Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It’s the same here. We have choices. We can choose how to respond to pain, confusion, hurtful comments, etc.

Symonds Ryder was a Campbellite leader who heard about the Church and had a meeting with Joseph Smith. He later joined the church and was called to serve a mission. However, in his call letter his name was misspelled—by one letter. His last name showed as R-i-d-e-r, not the correct R-y-d-e-r. This caused him to question his call and those from whom it came. He chose not to go on the mission and fell away, which soon led to hatred and intense opposition toward Joseph and the Church. Ten months later he was a member of the mob that tarred and feathered Joseph and Sidey Rigdon. Elder Donald L. Hallstrom of the Presidency of the Seventy pointed out, “His spiritual decline started with the offense taken over the misspelling of his name—by one letter. No matter the size of the issue, how we respond can reset the course of our life.”

We can allow our concerns to become doubts that fester and grow in darkness, or we can proceed with faith while seeking an answer or even simply peace with the topic of concern. Labeling something as a question and proceeding on with faith does not mean boxing up our question and ignoring it. It means enduring the process of the unknown, the time of acting on faith rather than knowledge. It means having patience with ourselves and the Lord’s timing. We have the power to do these things.

Like a muscle, each time we choose to cling to the faith we do have while sorting out the unknown we grow stronger and give ourselves freedom from the doubt the adversary may bring into our lives. There is research that has been done about the neuro system of our brains and the way we choose to think about things. The neuro pathways we make when we choose to see something from a certain angle become stronger and easier the more frequently we choose that path. It reinforces the physical pathways of our brain and makes it easier to problem solve, accomplish even small physical tasks, or deal with emotional trauma. Addicts likewise can learn to respond to triggers in a more healthy way by practicing similar choices. When we realize the power we have over our concerns we are no longer victims of the confusion of our times.

I can testify of the truth of these things. I recently lived an Elder Uchtdorf quote –“ When we choose to believe, exercise faith unto repentance, and follow our Savior, Jesus Christ, we open our spiritual eyes to splendors we can scarcely imagine. Thus our belief and faith will grow stronger, and we will see even more.…We can choose to believe.”

I have always wondered about the doctrine of plural marriage.  I was first aware when I was probably 10 or 11 and wondered about it my whole life. I’ve read family descriptions of the ways in which my family carried out this commandment when it was given to them and how it affected their lives. I’ve read between the lines of these women and men and been so embarrassed and confused for them. About 2 years ago my questions where starting to bubble up and I talked to a lot of people about them and prayed a lot to understand why this was required of these people.

During one Christmas break that year I visited my in laws for several days and found a scholarly collection of first hand accounts of the women, wives, men, and children who were asked to live this law as well as witness accounts. I read letters and journal entries of Emma Smith’s reaction, which reached every height of repulsion and joy. I read her children’s, maids’, and friends’ accounts of how this affected her other families’ lives. It was a very thorough account of the times and the lives of these people. Most of my education was spent looking at primary resources and analyzing the experiences and meanings of the words of different people across the ages. For me, this collection of accounts was a gold mine of information and it definitely was not very pretty.

Fortunately at this same time I was given the gift of extreme sickness for three weeks. I contracted pneumonia and was just well enough to read and ponder for three weeks as I studied the stack of accounts. It was all I did day and night while my body healed, as I could not even care for my children. I even lost my voice for two weeks and couldn’t talk about what I was learning or voice questions I still had.  After these three weeks of almost complete silence, reading accounts, pondering, rereading the Doctrine and Covenant and understanding the context more fully, I came out with a beautiful view on the topic. I actually wrote out my acceptance of the topic, signed, dated, and marked the time – January 12, 2014 11:20pm.  It was sweet and precious to me as in the beginning it was repugnant.

Now, I’m not saying I would in any way be at all happy to participate in that calling, but I came to a point of peace about the doctrine and the context in which God required certain families to live it. I sought God out with my questions and He found me space, time, and material to provide my answers.

There are countless quotes by prophets saying investigate our questions, research them even. If we stop before the answer comes we will almost definitely fall away. But if we can endure, the answer will proceed with more light and glory, bolstering our faith more than we could ever imagine. I am so grateful I didn’t stop reading when the accounts got ugly. I am so grateful I kept my heart open to my Heavenly Father so he could speak to me.

After this experience I was prompted to seek out more information on an even more sacred and private gospel topic. I was blessed with a new awareness of this certain topic throughout all scripture books – Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon the Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenant, and all the tiny book therein. I became so excited to read each day because I would find complete gems simply by reading straight through the scriptures in order. It was like I had on glasses that had me reading the entire scriptures through the lens of this one topic. I’ve looked over my study journals from this time, as I starred and highlighted each passage of scripture that I felt answered a new aspect of this questions, and for six months I had almost daily responses from Heavenly Father through scripture. Until that time I had no idea that even the most sacred and precious temple topics were literally falling out of each page of our gospel books. The answers to our questions are screaming from the pages! Look for them!

Bishops, leaders, spouses --no one, no matter their calling, authority, or relationship to you knows your testimony better than you and Christ. No one else can understand your concerns fully. He already knows what you are scared of, what you worry about, the discomforts and weak areas of your faith – acknowledge them and find the answers he has for you!

In short, ask the right questions, simplify your approach. Cling to the doctrine you KNOW. Strip off all the manmade layers that may or may not be relevant to you now and when you doubt, go back to the basics that support your faith.

I end now with a beautiful compellation of scriptures found in Doctrine and Covenants 76:5-10 (my own paraphrasing) – “To those who fear me and serve me, I will reveal all mysteries, wonders of eternity, even the things of many generations. Their wisdom will be great, their understanding reach into heaven. By My spirit will I enlighten them and by my power will I make known the secrets of my will.”

I testify of the truthfulness of the words I have written and quoted. I pray that each of us can patiently work with the Lord to resolve our concerns, that we may choose to question rather than doubt, and never stop living the truth we DO know. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.